I've been thinking about this question for the last few days... What is it like to love a guy, and be loved back too? How does love even feel like?
Almost everyone comes up with criteria of what their ideal companion will be like.. but most realize that when they get attached, the guy or girl is usually different from what they envisioned. Your head tells you one thing, but your heart tells you another.. So should you follow your head or your heart? I think it's easier to control your head.. but it's so so difficult to control your heart.. Haha.. pride and prejudice huh? I guess the best way to happiness really is the moderation of desire with judgement.
I've been thinking... all my life, I never had someone whom I really love, and I know love me back.. And I see my friends getting attached, happy etc.. Is what they are experiencing called love? I always think that I want to keep my first kiss and holding hands etc for that special guy, and that the right guy will come along. I know I love to love. Sometimes causing my own downfall I guess. I give too willingly, too obviously, too emotionally.. But I realized through every tough experience, I learn so much from it. It hurts real bad everytime.. But I know when the right guy comes along, and I know what to do from the experiences, it'll be worth it. Or at least I tell myself it'll be worth it.. I want to know how it is like to love someone so much that your heart feels like it's bursting, and seeing him makes your heart skip a beat. I guess I will in time. Sigh.
After reflecting on this year.. I think I was a idiot. I didn't stop to think at all about what I was doing. Regretting now is too late, what's done is done.. But then I realize, I don't regret a single thing.. I was happy, I really was, and the memories of it will always be nice, no matter how much time has passed. Sentimental? Emotional? whatever you call it. I treasure memories, sweet things and thoughtful actions of my friends a lot! I have a whole box, of tiny notes, messages and cards from my friends ever since I was young. Each piece of paper holds a tiny memory of a wonderful time spent together. Even if the time was a painful one, it has still contributed to making me who I am today, and I believe that makes it an extremely important and precious thing to be treasured.
I read something yesterday, and it really bothered me... I saw something today, that added onto that bothering in my head. But thanks to Jane, Syak and Dims.. I'm fine now =D thanks babes!! I've really got to section my heart and my head. Will have to learn. Sigh. Why am I a kind of person who is so affected by feelings? I always felt that when my heart is light, anything can happen as long as I know that the person I like is there for me.. But when that person is not, things just seem bleak.
I believe in true love. I believe it exists. And to me, I think it is the most powerful force on earth, that links everyone from around the globe together. Love has a power to make impossible things become a reality. I think love is so beautiful, and transcendental. Sadly, love is also a game. I never want love to be a game, but, it inevitably will become one i think. Unless I find a guy who really loves me unconditionally. Wow, how amazing it will be to have someone to love you no matter what, to love you even when you're being an *ss, and will let you know and bring you back down to earth and wake you up back to reality. To have someone to love you more than you love yourself. That's really something. Of course, it'll only be nice if you love him back just as much.
Thinking about this in a larger picture, I feel consoled. I do. For now, I'll just wait for that someone to show. Haha... I guess everything else.. will be a process of learning.. Just that from what I just learnt, I do hope.. that someday we'll be comfortable with each other again, and be able to talk like good friends do, like before. oh wells.. lala..
heh, sorry for the rambling, just needed to release =)
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