hii... my mum's perfromance has finally ended... 4 tiring nights over =D hmm.. I want to perform like that one day.. Rose (dance school director) and Angel (spanish dance teacher) keep saying stuff about me performing in the next performance etc.. I hope so.. =) I've been confused about some stuff... And unsure of how to conduct myself.. but.. a vivid dream gave me the answer to my questions the other night, and helped me to put things into perspective.. It somehow seemed like a peek into the future.. Of what things could be if only I don't rush into things and be patient.. It's not the right time... I loved the feelings i had in the dream.. it was so right... I am still waiting to feel that in real life.. And I promise myself that I will not get entangled unless I experience that same feeling I know exists from my dream.. Huh... Dreams seek to give you advice and tell you stuff.. from some subconscious part of my brain and.. my heart? not overcrowded by opinions and views from those around, pressuring me to conform... My heart speaks for itself.. And i think it wants to wait.. So i shall follow it.. I guess now.. I think i'm still too young.. or maybe just haven't met someone who sweeps me off my feet.. But.. is there such a kind of person? I don't know.. But.. I shall just be patient.. and follow my heart.. not my head, not the people around.. but just by gut feeling and matters of the heart.. that will lead to to the answer.. May be in the near future.. may not be.. But somehow.. I sense something coming.. around the corner... just... don't know when... I'm sorry if this post sounds confusing.. I guess my thoughts about this matter are so jumbled up.. but.. I'm clear of what I am going to do and have to do.. Smile people!!! I know I will always try to.. Never forget that.. It instantly makes the world seem brighter and makes those around you bask in your glow as well =D nights!

Here's 28th Oct's entry that i couldn't update.. lol..

Hmm.. don’t know why… listening to the songs on joowen’s blog.. makes me feel so sad.. is it because of what I’ve been feeling recently? I don’t even know how im feeling.. I guess it’s cause im still unsure and confused.. hai.. shall just let nature take its course.. Memories of the past seem to haunt me these few days.. yesterday went to KFC with my grandma to eat.. the one my granddad use to bring us all the time, especially for treats.. My grandmother teared a little.. hai.. it’s been more than a year.. but I still shed tears for him.. oh.. I forgot to thank jw, claud n royce for the hugs that day at the Sennett park.. was really comforting.. =) and jh for accompanying me to Sennett to take a look.. made me able to steer my thoughts away from pure melancholy.. rain.. I love it.. as long as im not trekking… it somehow evokes emotions and feelings.. when im sad.. just standing under the rain feeling it wash over me.. makes me feel as though my worries, sorrows and tears and being washed away.. cleansing the mind body and soul.. when you are in the house, and the rain is falling outside.. its such a cosy and warm feeling.. somehow.. light showers have a calming effect on me.. I don’t know how to describe the feeling.. but it just is.. training today was quite ok.. so so tiring though.. lol.. my toes ached so much.. and I accidentally kicked victors boots (lightly) and my toenail felt as though it was going to drop off.. geez. Anyways.. I don’t really have much else to say… but leave u guys with this message.. there’ always millions of reasons to smile.. you just have to delve deeper to find them sometimes… cheerios! ^^

Hmm.. don’t know why… listening to the songs on joowen’s blog.. makes me feel so sad.. is it because of what I’ve been feeling recently? I don’t even know how im feeling.. I guess it’s cause im still unsure and confused.. hai.. shall just let nature take its course.. Memories of the past seem to haunt me these few days.. yesterday went to KFC with my grandma to eat.. the one my granddad use to bring us all the time, especially for treats.. My grandmother teared a little.. hai.. it’s been more than a year.. but I still shed tears for him.. oh.. I forgot to thank jw, claud n royce for the hugs that day at the Sennett park.. was really comforting.. =) and jh for accompanying me to Sennett to take a look.. made me able to steer my thoughts away from pure melancholy.. rain.. I love it.. as long as im not trekking… it somehow evokes emotions and feelings.. when im sad.. just standing under the rain feeling it wash over me.. makes me feel as though my worries, sorrows and tears and being washed away.. cleansing the mind body and soul.. when you are in the house, and the rain is falling outside.. its such a cosy and warm feeling.. somehow.. light showers have a calming effect on me.. I don’t know how to describe the feeling.. but it just is.. training today was quite ok.. so so tiring though.. lol.. my toes ached so much.. and I accidentally kicked victors boots (lightly) and my toenail felt as though it was going to drop off.. geez. Anyways.. I don’t really have much else to say… but leave u guys with this message.. there’ always millions of reasons to smile.. you just have to delve deeper to find them sometimes… cheerios! ^^

Hmm.. don’t know why… listening to the songs on joowen’s blog.. makes me feel so sad.. is it because of what I’ve been feeling recently? I don’t even know how im feeling.. I guess it’s cause im still unsure and confused.. hai.. shall just let nature take its course.. Memories of the past seem to haunt me these few days.. yesterday went to KFC with my grandma to eat.. the one my granddad use to bring us all the time, especially for treats.. My grandmother teared a little.. hai.. it’s been more than a year.. but I still shed tears for him.. oh.. I forgot to thank jw, claud n royce for the hugs that day at the Sennett park.. was really comforting.. =) and jh for accompanying me to Sennett to take a look.. made me able to steer my thoughts away from pure melancholy.. rain.. I love it.. as long as im not trekking… it somehow evokes emotions and feelings.. when im sad.. just standing under the rain feeling it wash over me.. makes me feel as though my worries, sorrows and tears and being washed away.. cleansing the mind body and soul.. when you are in the house, and the rain is falling outside.. its such a cosy and warm feeling.. somehow.. light showers have a calming effect on me.. I don’t know how to describe the feeling.. but it just is.. training today was quite ok.. so so tiring though.. lol.. my toes ached so much.. and I accidentally kicked victors boots (lightly) and my toenail felt as though it was going to drop off.. geez. Anyways.. I don’t really have much else to say… but leave u guys with this message.. there’ always millions of reasons to smile.. you just have to delve deeper to find them sometimes… cheerios! ^^

Hmm.. don't know why… listening to the songs on joowen's blog.. makes me feel so sad.. is it because of what I've been feeling recently? I don’t even know how im feeling.. I guess it's cause im still unsure and confused.. hai.. shall just let nature take its course.. Memories of the past seem to haunt me these few days.. yesterday went to KFC with my grandma to eat.. the one my granddad use to bring us all the time, especially for treats.. My grandmother teared a little.. hai.. it’s been more than a year.. but I still shed tears for him.. oh.. I forgot to thank jw, claud n royce for the hugs that day at the Sennett park.. was really comforting.. =) and jh for accompanying me to Sennett to take a look.. made me able to steer my thoughts away from pure melancholy.. rain.. I love it.. as long as im not trekking… it somehow evokes emotions and feelings.. when im sad.. just standing under the rain feeling it wash over me.. makes me feel as though my worries, sorrows and tears and being washed away.. cleansing the mind body and soul.. when you are in the house, and the rain is falling outside.. its such a cosy and warm feeling.. somehow.. light showers have a calming effect on me.. I don't know how to describe the feeling.. but it just is.. training today was quite ok.. so so tiring though.. lol.. my toes ached so much.. and I accidentally kicked victors boots (lightly) and my toenail felt as though it was going to drop off.. geez. Anyways.. I don't really have much else to say… but leave u guys with this message.. there's always millions of reasons to smile.. you just have to delve deeper to find them sometimes… cheerios! ^^

Hmm.. don't know why… listening to the songs on joowen's blog.. makes me feel so sad.. is it because of what I've been feeling recently? I don’t even know how im feeling.. I guess it's cause im still unsure and confused.. hai.. shall just let nature take its course.. Memories of the past seem to haunt me these few days.. yesterday went to KFC with my grandma to eat.. the one my granddad use to bring us all the time, especially for treats.. My grandmother teared a little.. hai.. it’s been more than a year.. but I still shed tears for him.. oh.. I forgot to thank jw, claud n royce for the hugs that day at the Sennett park.. was really comforting.. =) and jh for accompanying me to Sennett to take a look.. made me able to steer my thoughts away from pure melancholy.. rain.. I love it.. as long as im not trekking… it somehow evokes emotions and feelings.. when im sad.. just standing under the rain feeling it wash over me.. makes me feel as though my worries, sorrows and tears and being washed away.. cleansing the mind body and soul.. when you are in the house, and the rain is falling outside.. its such a cosy and warm feeling.. somehow.. light showers have a calming effect on me.. I don't know how to describe the feeling.. but it just is.. training today was quite ok.. so so tiring though.. lol.. my toes ached so much.. and I accidentally kicked victors boots (lightly) and my toenail felt as though it was going to drop off.. geez. Anyways.. I don't really have much else to say… but leave u guys with this message.. there's always millions of reasons to smile.. you just have to delve deeper to find them sometimes… cheerios! ^^

hmm.. seems like the past is coming back to haunt me these few days.. yesterday had dinner at KFC with my grandma.. the one that my grandfather use to bring us all the time.. especially for treats.. it's already been more than a year, but everytime i think of him.. it still brings tears to my eyes... I miss him.. oh yeah.. thanks to the girls who comforted me during training tht day at the Sennett area.. the hugs were really comforting.. =) thanks to jh also for accompanying me to Sennett.. helped steer my mind away from just pure sadness.. ^^ There's just something about rain.. it evokes feelings and emotions.. i don't know.. but rain (when not trekking), makes me melancholic and emotional.. whenever im sad.. just standing in the rain and letting it fall over me seems as though it's taking away my worries and sadness.. its like cleansing the soul, mind and body.. there's also something peaceful about it, when its a drizzle, like.. i don't know how to explain it.. and when it's raining outside and you're in the house cosy and warm.. its such a lovely feeling.. ok.. getting sentimental.. ehem.. back on track.. but i really love it when it rains.. just not when im trekking. then i dun like it.. lol.. hmm.. today had training at bukit timah.. goodness... my toes are almost gone.. and accidentally kicked victor's trekking boots just now (lightly) and my toenail felt as though it was gonna drop off.. darn painful!! We went to wisma atria after that.. ate at food republic.. in PT kit.. hai.. so sad.. but.. better than stinky.. oh ya.. and this feeling... it's been at me for days... i don't know what it means... i guess im still confused and unsure.. well.. i shall just let nature take its course... cheerios everyone =) there's a million reasons to smile.. just have to delve deeper for them!!

hmm.. yesterday's training was.. emotional. Lol.. the only word I can find to describe it. stairs training.. 1st round 5.30mins.. then 2nd round...first time in a long long time since beginning as trainee last time that I was on the verge of hyperventilating again at the top.. Was remembering kg and yc's advice everytime i hyperventilate. Then was ok.. but still.. that took like 8mins. UGH. Slope training was at the cemetry playground that i always used to go when I still stayed at Sennett. After one round, had a really bad 'stitch' on my right side.. I gues I overexerted during stairs.. Sitting down at the park pavillion, looking around at the familiar sights... Then the rain came.. and I dunno, but somehow it just induces the emotions and memories.. The time when my grandfather was around, we use to race up the hill and sit there and talk and laugh with my dog as well.. At the swings, he used to push me so high and i'll pretend to kick him and he'll pretend to try very hard at avoiding me.. It brough back memories of lantern festival every year when we were still staying at Sennett.. that's pretty much my whole life.. It brought back memories when my dad and i use to run to the fitness corner, last time he being faster than me, now the vice versa... Simply.. It brought back memories when life for me was so uncomplicated, my family was still one, my troubles limites to school work. Its scary how things can just change in 2 years. Now, my beloved ah kong has left our world and my family has broken apart. The tears just wouldn't stop. I hated the feeling. But then again, I wanted to remember. And I needed to see Sennett again.. Seeing it look so empty, so old and with the for sale sign on the gate.. made my heart squeeze.. what can I say? I have to move on? I know I do.. but.. its just so.. hard... I try not to show it to my mum, I know she's having a hard enough time, so i know i have to be strong for her.. but i guess once in awhile.. I need to let go of my emotions too.. Life as i know it.. is changing.. For better or for worse.. its perception i guess. But i know no matter what, I will still live life to the fullest and to my utmost contentment. And i will always smile =) May be my way of masking my sadness.. but hey.. its anytime better than sighing and frowning all the time right?? so now.. I shall do something brainless that kenneth yong sent through email.. lol..

~*YOU*~
1.What Time is it now? 11.30p.m, 26/10/2006
2.What is your full name? Loh Sze Sian
3.Single or taken? Single.. lol
4.What does your name mean? For my Chinese name... Sze (si) is from family tradition.. means.. ability to think, and sian (xian) means refined and adept;skilled .. lol..
5.Who picked out your name? my mum and dad...
6.What's your nickname? sian, ss, sze zi, xiao xian (courtesy of claudyne), sian sian
7.What colour are your eyes? brownish black
8 Do you have an innie or an outie? eh.. what's tht?
9.What size are your shoes? 7-8..
10.How tall (or short) are you? haha.. 166cm.. tall i guess
11.Honestly what do you like about yourself? umm.. that i can enjoy the outdoors etc but at the same time am able to do the other end of things like dance =)
12.What do you always get complimented on??? erm.. lol.. from relatives and parent's friends.. its always grown taller, prettier, slimer tht kind of thing la.. from friends generation... eh.. if from primary school havent seen me then is i've grown slimer.. LOL!
13.What is your worst quality? hm.. sometimes too impatient and can be bossy i feel.., OH! and i cant stand that im too shy around stangers..

14.What are the last four
digits of your phone Number? 3380.. lol? geez, wht's the purpose..
15.Do you think you're cute? lol.. only kyong will say duh. um.. i've been called that before but i think its a little weird to be called cute.
16.Hair colour? brownish black
17.Do you wear contacts? yup.. very convenient =D
18.Living Arrangements? condominium



~*FAVOURITES*~
19.Favourite drink? water, green tea, milo
20.Favourite alcholic Drink? eh.. dun really like alcholic drinks.. i'll sip a little wine i guess...
21.Favourite Month? decmeber! I love christmas =D
22.Favourite Food? hmm.. dun really have a favourite.. no veggie though!! and no fish!
23.Favourite Board Game? hmm.. not fond of board games...
24.Favourite Web Site? its varies according to time ba..
25.Favourite Clothing Brand? esprit? haha.. but only buy them in HK.. no fav i guess.. whatever looks good is good enough for me..
26.Favourite day of the Year? christmas! although im not Christian.. haha.. love the feeling..
27.Favourite colour? white, silver, baby pink (powderpink) and baby blue, autumn tones, khaki tones..
28.Favourite Animal? Dogs.. horses..
29.Do you have more girl or boy friends? Around the same?
30.Who's your bestfriend? My mum!
31.Are your parents together? no
32.How often do you get together with the family? About 3-4 times a month? as in go out to shopping centres and walk walk with the whole family. with one family member.. about 2-3 times a week..
33.Do you tell your parents or your friends more? i tell them everything.. including boys i like and what i do everyday =D
34.Anything special about your parents? they brought me up, gave me a home, gave me the most important thing, LOVE. =D


~*YES OR NO*~
35.You're a flirt? nope.. don't know how to.. haha
36.You're slutty? no -.-
37.You're mean? nope
38.You like someone? tht is a sensitive question.. lol..
39.You can keep secrets? yup, definately
40.You dance in front of the mirror? heh.. all the time *blush*
41.You smart? define smart? i guess so since im in IP.
42.You sing in the shower? yep
43.You liked Britney Spears? used to be a fan.. she's ok i guess..
44.You've liked a cousin? no!
45.You've been in the opposite sexes bathroom? yuup. lol.. when there's like only oac left in the school la..
46.You've seriously hurt someone close to you emotionally? NO
47.You swear? yes.. why would i lie about something like that?
48.You get your way? depends.. if my wants are valid then yup.
49.You're willing to try new things? definately.. as long as it's beneficial and i've thought through it myself and with my parents and friends.
50.You've cheated on a test? no! goodness. never even thought about it..
51.You've smoked? no way.. no intention to either. can't even stand the smell of it.
52.What are you wearing? eh.. lol? PJs..
53.What colour are your pants? umm... long pants? pink..
54.What are you listening to? The sound of music soundtrack.. it's the best!
55.How are you feeling? hahaha.. neutral..
56.What are you doing? chatting online..
57.What are you eating? nothing..
58.How many people are online? 43.. haha?
59.How's the weather? good weather! slight rain.. fresh air.. good PSI.. 25 =D
60.What's on your mouse pad? don't use it..
61.what are you reading? Labyrinth by Kate Mosse

~*GIRLS ONLY*~
62.What perfume do you use? normally use Lancome's Miracle
63.What's in your purse? um.. cards.. neoprints.. money?
64.Thong or regular panties? geez.. no thongs thanks..
65.Tall or short boys? Tall of course..
66.Blonde or brunette guys? ehh... brunette..
67.Good or bad boy? Good boys please.. but not mummy's boy..
68.Boxers showing? eww! NO.
69.Long hair or short hair on boys? I like clean cut =D short!
70.What do you find annoying in a guy? if they keep on disturbing or insulting you to get your attention. Guys who swear (vulgarities), guys who are too loud, guys who flirt too much, guys who do disgusting and gross actions and make loud comments at the same time (its a turnoff). But i can tolerate them =)
71.What's the first thing you notice about guys? The way they act around their friends, how they treat people, their looks and build.


~*GUYS ONLY*~
72.What kind of cologne do you use?
73.What's in your pockets?
74.Boxers or briefs?
75.Blonde or brunette girls?
76.Tall or short girls?
77.Piercings on girls?
78.Long or short hair on girls?
79.Good or bad girl?
80.What do you find annoying in girls?
81.What 's the first thing you notice about girls?

~*OTHER QUESTIONS*~
82.What was the last movie you saw in the cinema? Eh.. i forgot the title.. Robbyhood or something.. Jackie Chan's comedy..
83.What did you have for dinner? chicken rice
84.What are you hoping for? a lot of things.. but basically.. happiness and contentment.

85.Have you ever fallen asleep in school? yuup.. not in lessons though.. during break times in oac room, library etc..
86.What movie do you really want to see? no strong desires.. lol..
87.Tell us about those scars? bicycle.. scooter.. just walking.. running.. lol.. all on the knees.. poor knees..
88.What is your locker combo? my locker has a key.. not combination.. hahaha...
89.Where is your favourite place to travel? Hong Kong... shopping!!! I want to travel Europe!! Rome.. Italy.. Paris.. Spain.. etc etc etc..
90.You last dream about? I normally cant remember my dreams..
91.What was the last thing you ate? dinner.. haha..
92. If you were a crayon what colour would you be? pink!
93. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Miko from my dance school..
94.Do you like the person that sent this to you? Kenneth Yong.. hahaha
95.Ever had a crush on a teacher? nope.. thank goodness..
96.Are you too shy to ask someone out? haha.. its like against my value/belief system.. i think guys should always make the first move.. yeah.. old fashioned but oh well..
97.Scary movies or happy ending? happy endings definately!!! =D *sighs dreamily*
98.Summer or winter? winter.. we have too much summer.. but then again.. i love summer too..
99.Relationships or one night stands? relationships definately! no one night stands. ugh.
100.Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate... but with a brownie.. vanilla is yum yum!
104.What did you do last night? i don't really remember.. was very tired after training.. oh.. i watched John Tucker Must Die (movie) then slept.

~*QUESTIONS aBOUT THE PERSon WHO SENT THIS EMAIL*~ Kenneth Yong..
105.is this person pretty? NO! hahah..
106.is this person fun to be around?? i guess la.. only if u can tolerate his humour =P
107.is this person a close friend of yours? ok? getting to know him better ba.. oac mate.
108.what is your first impression of this person? HAHA!! called wei kheam sir de.. (if i dun remember wrongly)
109.what do you think this persons worst quality is? act zai and always complementing himself.. only kana suan instead.. better when he's not acting and just his normall self!
110. this person annoying? sometimes.. LOL...

IM done! haha.. okie.. shall go to sleep now.. nights!!

well.. exams have been over for about 2 weeks... has been such hectic days following them.. kayaking kraze, open house, land prac test.. hardly had time to take a breather.. and now that i have the time.. i guess i've been doing some reflection. I guess the feeling that sometimes you don't know the team members well enough to understand them or help them because you simply missed out on spending half a year with them. Sometimes.. you feel like you don't understand at all.. you try to, but you just dont.. and you don't want to pry unless told about it.. I used to know almost everything that was going on in my team (0506), but maybe it's going to be different in this team? Today was like deja vu to a year ago.. something similar happened.. only with a different bunch. I remember how shaken i felt, and the few tears i shed. I guess I was younger and more scared last year, never before encountering such a thing. This year although i must say i was still shaken and my legs felt like jelly, i'd experienced it before. All i want now is to be able to be happy. It's such a simple wish, but it's near impossible to find, unless i set my mindset towards a optimistic view. I recall always mentioning about waiting for my prince to come, but, i guess right now, it's not that important to me.. I'm in no hurry, all i want is to have a good time with my friends, go through hardships and emerge stronger than ever as a team and as an individual.

Hi! haha.. yeah i know.. long time to update.. haha.. i have officially studied for 1 month. I CANNOT believe i can do that. First time I actually am disciplined enough to just after school study, weekends study... My mum says she's amazed I can take it to today.. 2 more papers to go! Today is mooncake festival.. first one in years we arent celebrating with family friends.. darn these exams.. I wanna celebrate the festival! and its been one whole month since i went for dance class of any form. hais... guess what? hahha.. one more month.. and NEPAL HERE WE COME! i cant wait.. really really cant wait!!! Haha... these few weeks.. television has been my relaxation.. *sighs* especially when you watch romantic movies, its hard to pull yourself out of dream and back to reality to the stack of notes waiting for you at the table. ugh. Hmm.. realized quite a few of my friends are getting attached.. still always wonder whether it's a good idea to get attached at such a young age.. is 16 considered young? haha.. i may discuss and reason with myself now, but if the right guy really comes along and sweeps me off my feet, lol... well, then we'll see. Oh yes! did I mention that we celebrated teacher's day + kai sheng's birthday on the 25th of sept? haha.. MArche.. hole in the pocket -.- but such a good break from work... I miss them.. =( well, at least i must be thankful i have another batch now and the friendship of dims jane syak eugene and marcus.. Isolated myself from the IP level last year i realize... This year.. well... i think i became closer to those mentioned above.. haha.. although it is really hell sitting next to eugene and marcus... but entertaining.. ok.. can you tell that i am just rabling and going on and on about matters that aren't really that important? ya.. ok.. its the exam stress.. though i'm strangely very calm during these exmas.. feels like im just going through in a daze.. only today then i felt it for geog. haha.. before the exam (which was in the afternoon), i was lying on my house living room floor rolling about.. stressed? tired i guess.. and i really felt relieved the second i finished the paper.. once again.. made some stupid mistakes.. i can't believe i can't use a protractor to measure bearings.. got confused between using the compass and back bearing thingy. UGH. some oacian -.- lalalalala... my grandma asked me not to study for tonight, so i shall ramble and enjoy myself... Seriously need to destress.. chem and maths next week =S then tuesday after the paper =D 4 more days.. i can do it.. i've made it so far.. hahaha... self talk is retarded really, but it works. okie.. time to go for mooncakes.. ciaosS!

Wow.. 2 posts in one day.. lol.. well.. went over to my grandma's house just now.. saw all my previous's house furniture over there.. tinge of sadness.. Then i went to her room to look at the photographs of my childhood days. I really miss them. When things were seemingly so perfect.. My granddad, 'ahkong' was still around.. I had a lovely childhoood.. went to so many places.. loved by so many in the family.. Lol.. was so cute! till about 6? then i boomed. Lol.. thank goodness the change.. Hai.. i dunno.. but looking at those photos always make me tear.. the memories of yesteryears still fresh in my mind.. Still packing for sea expe.. spent so much time doing tht -.-" lol.. well.. just came back from dinner.. guess what? this uncle sitting at the same table as us at the hawker centre started talking about the quality of food in Singapore, that people no longer know how to discern good and bad food.. haha.. geez.. i just smiled and nodded, my grandma politely answered him.. lol.. ok.. random but yeah.. anyways.. back to packing.. feeling better le.. also dunno why.. stupid heart. haha~ cya!

Argh.. This poem is titled...

You’re back again I see, please stop haunting me

It’s you again I see
Back to mess with me
Just when I’m feeling fine
You sneak up from behind
Bringing me down memory lane
Making me go insane
Why can’t you go away
And leave me to my daily play
Papers filled with memories
Stirs up images I don’t want to see
It’s back again
That feeling of doubt
Dangling the bait in front of my eyes
Causing my heart to wander from where it resides
I wonder when that day will be
When these emotions will vanish from thee
I hope it’ll be soon
That I can be once again over the moon
I hate feeling like this
I really do
So please I beg you
Stop haunting me, please do.

Try and decode this.. hai.. don't think many people can decode it fully.
AH WELL....
LIFE!

Lol... I'm also not sure... so confused.. darn these feelings..


WHATEVER. I hope it'll go away soon.. =(

hmm... i dunno how im feeling now... just went for dance by myself.. realized i've been taking lot of public transport on my own these days.. lol.. i am pampered in that aspect i know.. my mum's not in town now.. miss her.. hai.. going through what im experiencing now.. I really understand that a lot of people interpret things from what they see on the surface. My primary and secondary school friends thought i had a seemingly rich family. Strike one! Seemingly happy family, Strike 2! Am very pampered and blah blah, Strike 3!! You're out! So dun make stupid conclusions without solid evidence. *makes face* but i shall be contetn with what i have. I am. I just wish some things were different.. hai... ok, a lot of things.. I heard something that day, and it just amazes me how some people can do things behind other people's back, admit they're wrong, and in the end, turn back and say they didn't do anything wrong. This is called, going back on one's word, and whoever does these kind of things.. i can't find a proper word to describe these kind of people. No integrity? Low? Selfish? I don't know... these words don't seem harsh enough.
not worth respecting i must say. I want my childhood back. I want the pure, happy and carefree days back.. it's 10.. my study schedule has more or less been met today.. i hate studying alone.. its so so so boring! then my mind will drift and drift.. =( i need someone to make me feel happy and carefree like i used to feel.. where is that someone? does he/she even exist? hai.. i miss my mummy... is it exam blues? or just plain not happy? this is so unlike me... I don't usually mope, i don't usually sigh, i don't usually cry. even dance doesn't make me feel happy and full of life anymore... only being with people who cheer me up can.. blah... but that is something unavoidable i guess.. if u know my current situation.. I don't think many know.. It's not something i would love to share. But if u analyze close enough and know me quite well.. I'm sure u can see where my troubles lie.. oh well.. i'll try to make the next post a cheery one.. adios..

grrr.. there are so many ants all around my table.. and i dunno why!! so many of them and no food present! geez. I hate ants. so so much. feel so itchy every time i see them. where on earth are they coming from? stupid. oh well. As i said before.. I'm feeling better already. Geez. I need to lighten up. Haha.. thanks joowen.. you're such a sweetie pie =) So much work to do.. but don't feel like doing anything.. Feel like just enojoying and playing and playing.. NO! must be more disciplined. I shall stop blogging and start studying now. byebye ^^

blah... haven't updated for a long time.. kind of.. had kayaking today after a long time... actually had a lot to blog about.. but suddenly... no mood at all.. hai.. i dunno... why must things be so complicated? wht cant things just be straightforward and simple!!! So many things happening now.. so many things that I am unsure of and excited yet apprehensive about. What the hell. Promos in about 6 weeks. I am so dead. Spending alot of time with the yr 1 oacians now.. enjoying myself.. but missing my batch so so much as well... I dunno how to describe how im feeling now.. Maybe it's because Im just too annoyingly sensitive and constantly trying to interpret things from actions and words. I feel so.. not in the mood to do anything but just sit and stare and stone. WHAT is wrong with me. SOMEONE tell me why i feel like this. PLEASE? I hate this kind of feeling. Why must this kind of feeling exist? I need to concentrate! I can't keep getting distracted. feel like crying the feeling away.. but i don't even know why i feel like that, so how on earth am i supposed to cry it away? ah darn it. darn darn darn darn darn it. I hate complicated things which are directly linked to me. Why cant things just be simpler. easy. no problems. no down feelings. no hurt feelings. no lingering feelings. no longing feelings. no need for thinking of the future. being able to just do what i like without thinking about the consequences. just living the way i want to live my life. i love oac. and all my down feelings always seem to be because of oac. but i wouldn't have it any other way i guess. hai. what a downheartening entry. i shall cheer up the next time.. byebye..

Well well... My buddy is going back to China today.. sad? kinda.. relieved? kinda as well.. It's been fun though i must say.. besides having to bring her around till i am so tired that i can't complete my work once reaching home.. its been fun! Fridat was 2.4.. 12.03!!! Darn IT. i missed the stupid target by 4 bl**dy seconds. Was whining the whole day about it. And i think I could have pushed harder.. really.. I could.. WHY DIDNT I??? GAH! Training was quite okie I guess... 8 more rounds of the track... and 50 laps of the pool.. I love swimming...Royce timed me for different lap approaches.. haha.. never knew the timing i took for each lap.. was about 1.04mins.. slow fast? no idea. lol. Just swim. Had dinner at Macs.. couldn't finish my dinner again. ah well.. yesterday has store check.. the room was switched such that the kitchen moved its place.. more practical i guess.. It would be nicer when the whole team can come up.. now it's a little weird to only have 5 ppl entering the room. Store check took AGES. And the tents have not been checked. Oh well. I am officially sick of the haversacks. I packed them last year too.. did the same this year.. After all that.. Went to east coast to recce the duathlon route.. hai.. so much to do, so little time. Brought my buddy to city link, suntec and esplanade yesterday.. She said i walk very fast.. do i? ahha... never realized.. By the time i got home.. I was pooopeed... so so tired.. i think i buy more stuff than my buddy when we go out.. haha... my shopping need to stop when my buddy goes back.. kk.. back to school work le.. cyaz!

hai... emotions abound? gah..

Feeling something new, exciting and foreign.. while still harbouring something longing, regretful and memory filled. Ugh. Go away stupid feelings..

Family is like the roots of our foundation isn’t it? A parent’s relationship with a child is of utmost importance for their survival and development as a well-respected person in society. My dad came back home from overseas for a short break and I met up with him yesterday. Am I still mad? Not really. Why? I don’t know. I just can’t stay mad at people for a long time.. good and bad I guess.

Hai.. this term’s progress report was simply horrible. Initially tried to come up with excuses for myself, to soothe the ugly reality of the situation. Not a good idea. Better to face reality and work harder I realized. But it is still so very hard to sit down and concentrate. I know I can go on lesser ‘outings’ with the oacians and study instead, but.. what would become of the kind of life I lead? I shudder at looking at a life filled with studies only, I will never be able to do that. Never would want to do that actually. And also, I don’t want to be anymore distant from them as I only just started knowing them, and being accepted into the team has already been such a blessing. Will not do anything to jeopardise that.

What’s there to look forward to now? May seem like nothing.. But actually, I think there’s a lot waiting for me, hiding around the corner ready to spring out and shout “Surprise!”. Well, I shall embrace whatever it is with an open heart and an open mind.

Now comes the next problem.. End year expedition or Tian Jing Exchange??? ARGH. I hate that choice. Why on earth must the 2 dates clash so inevitably. Annoying. Really. And now, I don’t know whether I might miss my Segundo exam. If I do, my chances of getting into the company class next year will go up in smoke. ‘Poof!’ Hai.. Life. I really want to go for the exchange programme, I think it would be such a good experience.. Then again, I really really want to go for the end year expedition, wherever they are going. Blah. Now comes down to which I want more I guess.. At this point in time, I can so simply and easily say, “End year expedition for sure.” My mum already does not need any convincing, she said she would let me go wherever I want to, but wishes I could go to both places. Love her. I know she would rather I go to Tian Jing, but she knows how much the end year expeditions mean. So thankful to have a mother like her. My buddy’s family is already expecting me to go for the exchange programme, the teachers are expecting that too. I’ve been given so many opportunities but I can’t choose all. Darn. I have to decide soon.. someone please say something to make me sway to one side!!! Anyone?

*sigh* need to get back to my language arts short story now.. adios amigos *

Hi! Haha.. spent some time today looking for the cutest emoticons! Really cute.. anyways.. today's lessons passed pretty quickly.. didnt go for dance though.. I MISS JAZZ!!! haven't been going cause my buddy's here.. and also.. haven't been able to just dance freely around the house.. ugh.. oh well.. but she's very sweet.. luckily i got her instead of another buddy. Had some tower practice session today w the yr 1s. I want to climb the dangle dual again!! Haha.. hmm.. these few days.. feeling kinda funny.. happy? sad? excited? scared? dunno how to explain it.. some ppl know le ba.. aiya.. whatever!!! ahhhhh.. haha.. part of life.. hai... what's my purpose in life now? im so impatient for some things to happen.. yet afraid of what might happen when it actually happens. AHHH. forget it. just go through it can le. grr. nights!

I am so bored.. in class now and the teacher is sitting opposite me with her laptop as well.. UgH.. bored! bored! can't wait for classes to finish.. righttt.. like in 4 hours time sadly.. And just realized there's an SS test today. Brilliant. Thank goodness its an open book essay. Bored Bored Bored. The oacians (yr1s) seem to be always giggling when they see me for some reason. And the best part is.. I didn't like do anything funny or weird before that to made them laugh. Am I that funny? Oh well. I'll find out soon. I realized that when you open up to people, people will naturally find it easier to open up to you, so, it takes both parties to make things work! ZZ came to ask me today whether D is still msging me, lol.. friends la.. titans gathering... beach again? lol.. last year's cheerleading beach outing was fun.. Not going to a beach for campcraft or competitions.. that's a very different kind of fun seriuosly.

20 more minutes to lunch break.. Ahh.. Save me. I feel like i'm passing each day in a daze now and like don't feel like studying.. I actually enjoy being with the oacians (yr1s). its fun really.. but i think its weird when my own batch is together with them, then I feel like I dunno where to go..

15 more minutes.. I think I've become less 'guai' ever since I've come to TJ. Although I still feel bad about ponning lessons. Never have. Lol.. the last time I tried.. felt so bad that I went halfway. *grimace* what an embarrasment. Hai. Why why why must I end school so late.. Now we're trying to describe the humour found in the text "Surely You're Joking Mr Feynman!" I don't like non-fiction stories. They are so boring.. Oh ya.. I think that Zac Efron is so.. talented! The lead male from High School Musical the Movie.. He can sing, dance, he's good looking and has a not bad built =D. Ahaha.. His moonwalk was.. "wow!" and his dance moves were so cool and clean. Love guys who can dance! So cool. Like Fil (my jazz teacher). He's such a good dancer. Ahh.. My entries seem to get even more and more random nowadays.. so much for my practice of argumentative essay. Bored Bored Bored.

YES. 10 more minutes. Chatting to Jane now.. Lol.. She's in Miss Ra'biah's Class.. and I'm in Miss Cheah's class. And we're bored stiff. Poor poor us.

5 more mins! Yes, it won't be my turn to be interrogated by her. Yay! Geez.. Please let the bell ring..

2 more mins!

Darn the bell... its like already 12.50pm.. ring already!!!!!!

YEEESSSS!!!!!! BELL RANG!!! YIPEE!!!

Geez.. she's still not letting us out of class...

So anti-climax..

YAY! let's stop here!

ByeBye!!

Interesting Day..

Well.. I've been mentioning that I'm quite worried about how I would be able to interact with the 0607 batch.. And actually.. so far the last 2 times, haven't been that bad. Helped to clear the spar shed with them yesterday and had duathlon meeting today.. But can tell that there's a lot more coming their way.. haha..Each batch is really very different, I guess it's how you tune yourself to fit in with different groups of people huh? Of course not putting a false front, but.. just knowing when and what to say. Duathlon had started the very beginning of planning.. I'm so excited about it =D I was just reflecting the difference in the role I play in the 0506 batch compared to the 0607 batch. Im not so used to the 0607 batch role.. but I'll live. lol.. sisterhood.. funny. their antics are seriously amusing.. oh yes, I've FINALLY bought the High School Musical CD! so happpppyyy!!! haha.. went for dance after the meeting.. had syllabus class then took Tania's Choreography Class for Tangos. So nice! My mum said I've improved from the last week.. so glad to hear that. Oh! And today was the first time I heard Rose's (dance director of the school) sepatiados (footwork). My goodness.. I was stun for a moment. It was so flawless and just simple utterly amazingly perfectly AMAZING! No wonder she is the guru of tap and flamenco in Singapore. And at her age! 64! amazing.. Now I know it's good to get compliments from her.. *grins* she told my mum that my hiphop was good and my footwork for flamenco is strong.. And she asked me to train harder so that I can join them for company class.. That would like a dream come true! Last year managed to get honours for both beginner and grade1 exam.. hopefully I can get the same at least for segundo (grade two) this year.. The grading is like this : fail, commended, highly commended, honours, honours with distinction. Sigh. I love dance *smiles smiles* Can't wait for Rose's birthday party tomorrow at her house, those parties there are always so full of life, music, dance and FUN! Just fininshed my bio report.. ugh... feel so bad about not handing it up on time =( Hai. Anyways, shan't rattle on any longer.. need my beauty sleep. ^^ NIGHTS!~

Well.. the day has happened. Temasek Junior College Outdoor Activities Club 05/06 batch instructors officially handover to 06/07 batch trainee instructors. Sad? Happy? Relieved? Apprehensive? Scared? Abit of all those emotions i guess. The day started out with the tower dept doing the IP open house thing.. that was so so boring... but the slacking part was not too bad.. sat around and chit-chatted.. got our butts wet on the damp grass.. Kar Gea and Ming Wei were the first to come back.. and once they arrived.. every five seconds there was a vulgar word. *rolls-eyes* to think that we never heard them swear once when they were our instructors. KG said in army, every 5 seconds there's a vulgar word and every 3 seconds there's a sex word. Geez.. Army life must be so fun right? lol! I still love it every time the seniors come back. haha. But that kg kept suanning me yesterday.. He kept calling me "xiao hai zi". Grr. So nice of him -.- It's interesting to see the 'juniors' do what we did last year.. but.. only did the obstacle course once.. n put the log on their feet. I remember we did it about 3 times, holding the log all the way. At that time.. i was already in a daze, just helping whenever i could, tired was no longer in the vocabulary. Just chiong. but.. one thing.. the 'juniors' already knew about the 10km run.. so.. defeated the purpose. Hai. Now that we have handed over.. We all all of equal status as instructors even though they are still trainees.. It will be hard to suddenly fit in and just joke and laugh, but i'll try. We're so different, and i've been like their instructor.. lol.. quite weird.. oh well.. it wil just take some time i guess. looking forward to knowing them better actually. In my batch.. I knew that my teammates will always take care of me, especially since i'm younger. Ever since our first training last year, our seniors told my batch to take care of me.. lol.. now.. i know i can't expect that all the time. I'm no longer like the 'baby' in the team.. im 06/07 batch's former instructor.. lol.. it will sure be different. Im going to miss my team so so so much! Oh yes, the teachers seem to have some plans for me.. I feel honoured that they think im capable of such stuff.. So i shan't let them down.. Duathlon.. here we come.. =D after titans.. this is my new challenge.. hopefully, will be able to work with 06/07 batch as well as i did with my own team for titans. What the future will bring.. I don't know.. but.. im looking forward to it =)

To:
Eng Wei - dicky doot bugger
Samantha - tweety
Amanda - mandy nabong
Li Yuan - yuan
Wai Kit - kit, papa beans
Kai Sheng - sai kang sim
Yan Ling - hot bomb
Yinwei - fairygodmother
Wei Kheam - snowie kheam blackman
Kimberley - borybear kimbo bobo
Liesel - mountainflower man's health jingjing

I never knew I could grow to know a group of friends so well in just one and a half year.. each of you mean so much to me, and.. you guys better come back whenever you can next year!! *sob* we're such a crazy bunch.. will miss you all so much..

I actually wrote a short story based on the Rinjani summit climb, but of course a lot of facts have been melodrama-ed and added in for the sake of making it more interesting.. Heh.. one of the stories in my distinction assignment for the short-story elective programme in term 2 =D here goes:


"Move on!"
"No!"
"Please..."
"I won't! It's my duty to see that everyone is safe."
"But you're almost frozen! You have to keep on moving!"
He looked away and mumbles, "I'm fine."
His fingers were stiff and trembling, his face scrunched up in discomfort and his whole body shivering.
Throwing him a glance and stifling a sob of frustration, she ran up ahead to catch up with the other three. The rest of the team was way ahead, tiny specks in the distance in the hazy mist and bone-chilling winds.
"We have to move on! It's the only way we'll get through this!"
One foot in front of the other, and with every step, they were closer to the top in the never ending climb.
"Push on!" someone yelled ahead.
"Can't..." their fellow teammate fell to the ground, body shivering and drenched, fingers frozen.
Like a nest of bees, the other four swarmed around her in an instant.
They huddled there in the midst of darkness, rain and violent winds surrounding them.
"This can't be the end..."
"No, we'll make it through. I know we will."
Giving themselves a minute of rest, they drew strength from each other and silently murmured words of encouragement to spur themselves on.
"We have to keep moving."
Dark forms loomed ahead, sending out negative vibes, crushing their hopes of soon reaching the top.
Pursing her lips, she yelled for the others to keep going, not to give up at this point in time.
"Wait! Where is he?" a jolt of horror racked her senses as she pictured his face again.
Scrambling down and calling, a sense of dread filled her heart and she felt hot tears threatening to fall.
And there he was, in a crouched position, trembling violently.
A wave of relief swept over her as she forced him up onto his feet and to meet the others. They all hugged him, lighting a candle and trying to give him warmth.
"This is the only time I will hug you," someone commented, attempting to make a joke.
It earned a few weak smiles and upon seeing him recover, their hopes were elevated and a new surge of energy coursed through their veins.
One step at a time, one foot in front of the other.
Suddenly, she looked up. Faint voices were desperately calling their names.
It was at that instant that the sky seemed to clear, the wind and rain subsided, and the sun began to emerge from its sleep. Against the backdrop of the rising sun, she could finally see the rest of the team, their silhouettes outlined by the newfound light.
With big smiles and cries of joy, they scrambled their last remaining way to the top.
Everyone made it.
They all gathered in a circle and hugged each other, happiness and joy emanating from their faces.
The fear and pain was gone.
She closed her eyes and faced the sun, feeling its warm rays of life enveloping her, rejuvenating her senses.
Happiness, relief, love.
She looked around at their weather beaten faces and felt her heart warm in a flurry of emotions and knew at that moment that that would be one of the moments in life she would cherish forever and never forget.



Super drama right? lol.. but it got distinction, i don't know how but.. here it is.. heh.. kind of like a tribute to 05/06 =) love you guys~
well.. think i shall go to sleep now.. so.. nights all!!!

argh. the time i've been dreading for months.. we postponed handover day last week. why? we saw no point in handing over on that day. Had a talk with m lim n miss ang today about my role in the future.. looking forward to it, kinda~ but like.. my team!!! =( 05/06.. sigh.. every team is so so different. I really wish my team mates could stay on for another 2 years.. that would be just peachy. Left alone. Grrrrr. Life goes on though.. I'll survive.. i know i will =) for now, i'll just make the best out of every single chance i get to spend with the oacians. love them to bits and pieces. But then again, you find out something new about your teammates everyday, even though you think you know them so well. Jing, Mandy and Sam are actually interested in trying out dance! *whoops happily* i have always wanted to share my passion for dance with the team.. but besides mass dance, they haven't seemed really interested. There is like so so much more to dance than mass dance and the annoying running man step. expression of the body *smiles* Although i love dance so much.. i would forgo lessons for the sake of just going out with the oacians, why? because right now, spending all the time i can with them takes priority over dance. I'm still working hard on flamenco to make sure I get honours again for my exam and to work towards being in the company class. oh ya, I can SHIMMY! lol.. just found out.. one of the things in dance that i can do and mum can't. I think her body is too disciplined from ballet, but with her talent, i'm sure she'll be able to with practice. She's my role model for dance =D Beautiful dancer she is. You know, dancing with vigour to one song makes me sweat and pant like after one round of the track, and this is definately more delightful! Common Tests.. Ugh.. don't TALK about it.. i'm so irritated with it. I flunked chinese, maths a and maths b by one miserable mark. bio.. passed, not fabulously enough. Geez.. I need to study harder for goodness sake. Ugh. Napfa is coming soon. Gold should be for sure, but 30 points? Last year.. my inclined pull-ups held me down, this year that won't. But my standing broad jump??? Only goodness knows how I managed to jump 195cm last year! sit and reach.. should have improved.. more flexible now due to jazz.. never knew jazz was so tough.. tightening of the body's core, holding the body's centre, shoulders down, neck held high, butts in, tailbone to the ground, belly buttton to the spine.. etc.. HAHA. ignore that if you don't take dance. Hopefully my line will improve in time. OAC people have never seen me give my best at dancing.. don't think they can really imagine it.. my dance school directors, teachers and friends can hardly fathom the idea of me being in the mountains.. well.. two different worlds. And i love both. Why can't there be more oacians who are more arts inclined too?? =( haha.. next year.. i think i shall take maths, geog, lit and KI. No way im taking sciences, digging my own grave. KI should be rather interesting.. love philosophy etc.. Hate politics and economics. Love lit.. understanding of the human mind and geog.. studying of the world's landscapes. Heh. Well.. Maths would be the challenge. Eek. But i really should take maths. It's so important.. (though i swear i'm enemies with differentiation, integration, partial fractions, vectors, trigonometry) But i sall try to be good friends with them as time goes by.

Ok.. this entry is so full of random thoughts.. my mind just can't piece things together now because its kinda throbbing.. sign for me to go to bed.. So... nights!!**

hmm.. benefits of having a laptop in class.. can surf the net when the lesson gets boring.. like for social studies and eugene has just tried to type something random on my com. Lol.. hmm.. Maths test tmr, chem and LA is over.. have 5 more subjects before the common tests are over.. Now that Miss Cheah mentions it.. I really think i want to try out for KI.. Well... I'm bored, so i picked this off Joo Wen's blog.. haha

Favourite Colour: shades of pink, and white.
Favourite Food: nothing with veggie and seafood. i love meat! heh..
Favourite Song: currently: Hips Don't Lie and Breaking Free
Movie: currently: High School Musical!!! many more..
Favourite Sport: umm.. outdoor activities count? don't have fav sport.. not a sports fanatic..
Favourite Day of the Week: Everyday's fine i guess.. Friday's the best.
Favourite Ice Cream: Hip Hop Jelly and Magnum!

Current
Current mood: rather bored.. trying to stay awake
Current Taste: huh?
Current Clothes: black polo tee and school shirt.
Curent Time: 4.15 (15 more minutes to end of lessons!)
Current Annoyances: the upcoming tests.
Current Thoughts: i want the holidays back.. sleeeeepp.

First
First Best Friends: First as in like in kindergarten and primary school?? Abygail and Jolene
First Crush: nelson phua (haha)
First Movie: should be snow white i think.. one of the disney princesses movie..
First Music: no idea..

Lasts
Last Cigarette: im not a smoker..
Last Drink: water (best drink ever)
Last Crush: ha! for me to know and u to find out.
Last Phone Call: um.. Syak.. asking her about LA grouping.
Last CD played: Jay Chou's November Chopin

Have you ever
Have you ever dated one of your best friend: nope.
Have you ever broken the law: depends on your definition of breaking the law =P
Have you ever been arrested: nope
Have you ever skinny-dipped: NO
Have you ever been on TV: yeah..
Have you ever kissed someone you dont know: definately NOT

5 things you are wearing: hairband.hairtie.clothes.ring.shoes.
4 things you done today: gone to school. had pe. studied LA. gone for lunch.
3 things you can hear right now: eugene and marcus talking, vivien talking, mumblings around the class, typing sound of the keyboards.
1 thing you do when you are bored: read

Lol.. ok..lesson's over! =D adios amigos!

oh gosh.. its like 3am now.. im so pooped.. just finished (almost) revising periodic table trends.. ughh... left half of the test's topics to study for chem test.. just found out i am also going to have a bio test next week. BRILLIANT. 5 tests next week.. almost all i only found out about this week. *going nuts* Stupid. Nevermind.. I can do it, and i will do it.. I will study for it. Already came up with a timetable for studying. Went to the airport today to study Lang Arts with Jane.. Really helps to have someone else to study with, esp for lang arts. Maths A and Maths B, Chinese, Chem, Bio, Lang Arts, Geog test to go.. *Groans* I can and I will =) adios amigos..

p.s. great, really helps tht i've got a cold and cough now.. just as school is going to start *yippe*

okay. its final. i need to loose weight.
fat fat fat! need to tone up.. need to cut down on junk and fattening food.
=( feel faaaatttt. this sounds so bimbotic. but it's true!! i need to loose weight.
hmm.. how ironic is it that some people's confidence comes from how they look and how they are accepted by people? i guess im naturally quiter among people im not close to and lack the confidence of doing so. *fakes a sob* haha.. i blame it on my past as an overweight child. lol.. serious.. people use to call me fatty in primary school. *grumbles* didn't care at that time.. now i regret. i use to just eat and eate and eat and eat. grrr.. thank goodness i woke up in secondary school and decided to loose some weight. ahaha. lost about 15kg since i was a fatty. I promise myself i will never go there again. never never never. but.. back to the point. I still need to loose weight now. hai.. i need to get over the temptation of food and get into the discipline of exercising even more. ah.. 2.4km coming.. so i shall train for that. train incline pull-ups also..

routine everyday:
situps (200)
dips (100)
inclined ups pulls (50)
crunches (to 2 songs)
pushups (100)
run around condo with lady (my dog)
dance dance dance!
*hope i can and will keep to it.. no excuses!* should food still be controlled then?
I looovveee food. but at least i don't live to eat yet.. haha. and just as im writing this post.. im reaching for another chocolate.. *sigh* dove amicelli is such a devil!!! lol.. ok. if i don't buy. means i won't get to eat. so after this box is finished. i WILL NOT buy anymore. no more late night snacks as well. =(

heh.. sorry.. mindless rantings i call this. feeling quite energized and high from dancing. Segundo curso (grade 2 Flamenco) today was FUN! tiring though. then just dancing crazily to the music at home also does help to make you feel high and happy. Wondering whether i should join modern dance club next year or just let oac be my only pdp. shall ask jane for opinion. anyways. im feeling a little guilty... my studies haven't really been touched yet. Need to study chem periodic table and LA notes. oh ya.. and maths a n maths b.. test on these subs when school reopens.. need to concentrate le.. adios amigos.

*geez.. this post is so... bimbotic.. ew*

p.s. i put a video of Shakira's Hips Don't Lie. I am currently in love with that song.

Hmm.. just realize how much more different I am from some people..
i think i should get out more.. like.. socialize more..
i guess its never been in my nature to be a social butterfly unlike some people, but i guess one should still make the effort to smile more easily and confidently and make friends more easily huh? right. easier said than done. this should take time.. but im determined to be more open and involved in activities outside of oac. That would actually be hard to do. TJ life without oac everyday. or without seeing the oacians everyday *ouch* hard to imagine.. i guess one of the reasons i dunno so many people is also cause JC life has so far revolved so much around oac. yup. how true.. Next year.. things will be so much more different.. dreading it, yet looking forward to it with anticipation. I'm still figuring out what to do during term 3.. my goals.. what there is to look forward to.. etc.. no way am i going to just study study study. but what is there?? i shall find something. last year.. it was fun and wonderful bonding time with oacians.. this year.. it shall be a venture into the unknown. sounds so drama. haha.. ok.. hai.. seriously.. i don't know what to expect from life anymore.. I don't know at this point in time what there is to work towards and to look forward to. sad right? it's ok.. i'll find something to spark me on to enjoying life again. i have yet to find out what is anthropology. haha.. may be my future. for now, its bedtime! adios amigos~

punishment day for the juniors today...
what can i say? the things we've been saying still hasn't registered in the minds yet. is there another way??? i just can't comprehend why..
we know that they are bonded as a team enough to really care about one another.
that was exactly how we felt at this point in time last year.. but there were so many things we misunderstood the seniors for. I guess only when the juniors are in our shoes, then they'll see the rationale and reasons for what we do. we always use to criticize the seniors etc, only now do we realize the meaning of it. I'm so happy everytime the seniors from previous batches come back. Just talking to them and sharing experiences is such a fun time.. batch gathering was FUN! stayed up till 1+am talking. The respect i have for them is quite great and i love hearing them relate their experiences and advice. Maybe i look up to my seniors even more than the others in my batch, cause they are.. 3 years older than me? lol.. hardly the matter though, still love talking to them.
When sitting in the oac room today.. a wave of nostalgia hit me.. one of the last few times we will be having meetings, arguements and laughs here. All the tears, pain and sorrow that have been shared within the four walls of the oac room has been such an experience.. I really can't bear to hand over and move on.. but.. life's like that.. hope we'll keep in contact always.. (you guys better come back from time to time!!! don't leave me alone!!! heh)
I think it'll be very interesting to watch the juniors grow and learn if they manage to pass it through handover.. will be a very fruitful learning journey =D
I know the juniors are reading our blogs, and so, have read theirs too, lol. Hm, i've read in your posts that you all will make sure you complete the 72km, glad to hear that.
what i must say it that.. i regret not putting in as much confidence in myself to stand out more in oac in the beginning.. kept looking down on myself cause i was IP. What a wrong mentality. Things shall change and have changed.. this oac experience will only force me to mature even more than i have to.. *groans* haha.. oh well..

nothing else to say le.. gonna read my book.. nights!

love is so unpredictable..
heh.. well.. im just such a romantic.. good or bad.. depends..
watching korean drama.. xia ri xiang qi...
oh geez... if only i had a man who loved me like that.. heh..
*dreams...*
Well... spent the day at tuition, home packing stuff and going out for dinner with dad to ah xin kor kor's place. He's my cousin, and his baby girl Kira, is the CUTEST!!!!!! =D haha.. such a darling.. was the kai xin guo during the funeral for everyone. chubby cheeks.. just wanna pinch them!!! =D =D =D
Hmm... anyways.. nothing much to add.. just found out there's a chem test when school reopens.. sighs.. brilliant.. studying time... adios!!

Well.. tmr's mama's funeral.. hai.. things happen in a blink of an eye.. death is unavoidable.. life must go on. I can't stand the thought of oac instructorship coming to an end.. through this course of 1 and a half years.. i've learnt so much and grown up so much.. together with my teammates.. we always say we'll go through thick and thin.. i hope it is true.. friends that will be forever.. since i know our 'juniors' are reading my blog.. here' a note to you guys: if there are things you don't understand, ask now.. whether or not we finally handover the club.. solely depends on how you perform in your last few trainings with us. try and see things from our point of view, if you were the instructors, how would you expect your juniors to perform? if you can touch your heart and truthfully say that you have given your all and your best, then, you have nothing to be afraid of. If not.. it's time to go and do something about it.. MOST IMPORTANTLY, cherish your teammates =D haha~ they'll be like your family in the next year to come.
adios amigos.. on to my geog essay =)

Don't vent your anger on me.
I know you have suffered a loss. So have I.
How dare you say I have no feelings for her.
I wouldn't have cried so much if I didn't.
Don't accuse me of meaning otherwise.
Don't jump to unreasonable conclusions.
*Fumes*
Don't ask me to grow up.
Think before you say things like that.
I have so much else in thought to lash out.
I shall keep it inside.
Fine.
I shall control.
I understand your feelings.
Still does not give you the right to do what you did.
I normally feel bad when people say they are disappointed in me.
This time.
I wasn't.
I was plain angry.
But i understand how you feel.
So I shall not let emtions overtake my senses.
I will do what I have to.
One last thing,
Don't you dare ever hint that my mum did not do a good job as a mother.

...hai...
I always thought being a child of divorced parents would be fine.
Sometimes.. I ask myself why Im so naive and be able to think that way.
I guess in life... we need to kan kai a bit.
So I shall.
I shall be happy again soon.
Wish my friends were there when I needed to talk.. but its also my fault for not approaching them. cannot expect them to know what im thinking 24/7.
3 strong women of 3 generations. My mum's mother, my mum, and me.
We can get through any difficulties.
We have each other =)
Just for the record: Love you mum, ah ma wo ai ni.

Well... Titans is over. People say it was a success. I feel that it was only ok. But its been a great experience... June Camp is also over. Feeling -> disappointed and dejected. Ming Wen said that we should not think of it as we failed.. But i feel like we did somehow fail as instructors. =( Another blow.. Mama passed away this morning. My dad's mum. Reminded me so much of my beloved ah kong's passing. Hai.. Life. Ok.. this is not a great post. Can't help it. Anyways, just wanted to document some of these events down.

Well.. as predicted.. I'm feeling better than I did that day. Some days are so horrible, some days are just normal, and some days are great. Today was.. kinda boring and stressful at the same time. Rushed to finish doing titans stff till quite late last night.. I feel caught up in the wind of titans frenzy. Hahaha... Hm.. I wish people would stop talking so much about somethings, and actually reflect on the implications and consequences of their words. Annoying really. My piano is coming tmr!!! =D Finally.. haven't played it since I moved house. Miss it.. Ironically.. Feels as though there are some things I have not done, can't figure it out at the moment. My mind is filled with titans and maths.. integration.. *shivers* Been practicing and I hope it hasnt gone to waste. Anyways... Life's as unpredictable as the weather. I want to read some good books.. Wish Dan Brown and Nicholas Sparks wrote more books. They are my all time favourite authors.. Scattered thoughts.. Shows that I should go to bed now.. tired...so... Nights!!!* =)

What a day..
Delta Titans training today.. 55mins.. 7km run.. at least better than 1.04hours. On to log.. Once again.. reinforce the point that.. one person slacks.. everyone gets the pain. Then went to Beta house function with yinwei, kheam and mandy. A friend raised a question.. and a statement.. made me think and reflect.. kind of in a daze right now.. don't exactly know how i'm feeling.. trying to figure it out.

3 things on my mind:

1 --> affect major things
2 --> affect my mood
3 --> affect my curiousity..

I gotta stop denying and start solving the major one.. 2nd one.. hai.. dun think so much le.. 3rd one.. we'll see how things are.
Life's interesting with its twists and turns.. but sometimes.. i wish it was more straightforward. I miss the days of last year.. =( anyways.. i'll figure something out.. make things right again.. i hate the cold war.. but I dunno what's wrong, and I don't know what to do about it. hai. forget it.. stop moping and start business. =)
Since I always ask others to put on a smile.. I should too.. so... *smiles* =D

byebye everyone...*

Just another day~
But.. im feeling so many kinds of emotions.. simple satisfaction.. happiness.. confusion.. doubt.. all in one.. geez.. well.. a blog is so easily accessible.. I somehow dare not place names and deep thoughts here.. so.. I came up with a poem.. don't think its that great.. but just in the mood to write these kind of poems...

The title of this poem is.. "Waiting for It to Show" by me =)

You appeared and lit up my life
Leaving me basking in your glow
Weeks of fun in the sun
Lit my heart aglow
Then the expected occurred
Leaving me full of sorrow
I dared not approach
I dared not reveal
Into the shadows
Putting up a show
Months later,
I look at you and sigh once more,
The question still probing at my heart -
Am I ready to open it up?
New faces appear
New feelings arise
But in the end
They still round the bend
Back home to where you reside
It forces me to wonder
Do we really have a future together?
Standing next to you warms me up
Causing a tingling in my heart
I look at you and smile
Silently questioning your trial
I try to read your gestures
But to no avail and captures
I guess in time I'll know
Holding on and waiting for it to show.

Nights!! ~ ** =D

Titans...
Brings back memories.. There's so much i regret about last year sometimes.. not being as active in oac before april, thus not being fit enough to get any placing for titans.. Not going for june camp cause of the humanities trip.. huh.. Its the time of the year where i guess we start thinking about which directions our friendship will go towards after graduation.. Liesel's gonna go overseas.. guys to army.. girls work or uni.. and i'll still be in school. sigh. I hope we will still keep in touch. I still remember all the tears we shed together, the comfort we provided each other, and will never forget the strong sense of belonging to a family outside home. Opening the door to the oac room is like going home.. Im sure it will be very different next year with the juniors. Shall keep the sobs till handover then.. I realized that poems are a nice way to express one's feelings in the midst of emotion. Interesting to write... Oh yes.. dance class yesterday was hell.. those were some steps! only show one a sequence.. then do le.. lol.. the others all so pro de.. im sure they have had many years of background.. all know how to split, move etc. I felt like a floundering kitten! I hate not being able to split.. *grrrr* oh yes.. I just killed a crockcroach using the srpay and seeing it wriggling helplessly made me feel so so horrible that I had to close the door.. couldn't bear to see it. Hai. Anyways.. relatively normal day.. with tinges of surprises. Haha.. see ya ^^

Oh my gosh.. I'm so so so tired.. Can't keep my eyes open.. In chemistry class now.. I've been walking around the life science lab and washing my face trying to stay awake and concentrate but i can't! Watched Burn the Floor Yesterday and it was AWSOME! Love it.. never knew how beautiful ballroom dancing could be.. I want to take it up.. but no partner to dance with.. lol.. Liesel went along and she got inspired to take up dance classes.. Will make sure I remind her after june to join.. The girls were all so hot.. so were the guys.. and when they kick, their skirts flew so beautifully! And their legs were so graceful.. Its really motivating to watch.. Can't wait till handover for that only reason.. Want to focus more on dance.. But.. I can wait for handover for many other reasons.. Felt sad about what would happen after handover.. So wrote a poem on impulse dedicated to my beloved team mates:

I rarely think about giving away my heart,
But then I just realized I did when we part,
Never knew love could exist in such a way,
One that grew stronger everyday,
Not one concerning breakups and jealousy,
But one pure as anything can be,
A friendship that has lasted through storms and clouds,
And managed to face the sun again all smiles and proud,
Its something so precious I'll never forget,
Hoping that no one will look back with regret,
But rather that we'll cherish the remaining days,
Before we'll have to leave and go our seperate ways,
I'd never expected to stumble across this part,
When I realized I've given away my heart

It was a simple 5 minute job.. haha.. just felt like writing a poem to express thoughts and feelings.

Yes! I've finally have decided on a subject combination I want..
No sciences for me thanks! Geog, Lit, Econs and Maths.. Maybe KI if I can make it. Or maybe I will replace econs with art.. Then I can be an architect, or psychatrist (dunno how to spell).. Would be rather interesting... =D Ok.. good.. Feel like I've a goal now..

Just a rambling entry.. need to focus on chem now.. ciaos!

Well... as predicted, i'm feeling a little better than I felt in the previous post. Talked to my mum about how I felt... she really helped me to put things into perspective. It also helps to know that she will not let anything out of the bag and her intentions are only good ones and that she will do all she can to help you. Such is the love of a mother. Thank goodness for her. It's a monday and I'm not in school.. why? Still sick, got an MC from the doctor, so, might as well use it to rest for another day. Have I told you how much I hate coughing? grrr... After every cough, my body feels so much weaker. It seriously is no fun. I rather have cough that contains phlegm. That would make things much easier. Ohya. I can't taste either. Do you know how horrible it is to not be able to taste for 5 days!! Everything I put into my mouth is.. tasteless... seriously... belgium chocolate ice cream tasted like cream yoghurt. I could even put raw cabbage into my mouth and think it was not too bad. Now.. If I can start eating vegetables without cringing.. you know something's not right. *complains* Hai.... I want my tasting ability back.. Food's no fun without it. Anyway... one night between the last post and this post, I was so mad about something. Boiling. But as usual, I'm fine now. Lol... why live life in anger when you can smile? =D Called Kar Gea and got his opinion about things. Served useful and entertaining to talk to him, got tips for titans, and also made me laugh. Thanks ya. Ohyes.. Cheerleading practice.. I must say its fun to once again start what we did last year. 1 2 down up. Familiar sound. And... I flew!! for the first time. FYI, flew meets to be the person being lifted into the air. Feels great I'm telling you. Hope we get champion again this yr! Right.. so now.. I shall get back to revising geog for the test tomorrow.. sigh... buhbye.

Feeling down in the dumps...

I know I always say that we must try to look on the bright side of things.. But even I know that it is easier said than done. Try as I might, I find it immensely hard to do that right now. I see a silver lining.. but the cloud overshadows it.. Maybe it's because I'm feeling ill, or whatsoever. I don't know. Since even before my birthday, I look at my friends, and somehow feel that I cannot fit in without making an effort. I sometimes may as well not be there. I know I should put in the effort as obviously, the world does not revolve around people caring about me, that's reality. But.. I just feel so tired and fatigue to actually care. So i sit silent, and just absorb in their conversations wishing that I have the strength to pull myself together to smile once again. So much has changed. Previous friendships have now turned weird.. Some people who said that they would always be there for me... are not... maybe im thinking too much, some may say im wallowing in self pity that should not even be cause there's no need for it. I don't care. I feel useless and not good enough for so many things right now.. old feelings are haunting me again.. and seeing something possibly budding in front of my eyes is not exactly a consolation. I miss the old times.. I really do... Did i do something wrong? Why have things changed so much? I find myself crying more often from the day of my birthday till now. What on earth is going on. Ok.. I may be too sensitive about my birthday, i may have expected too much and misintepreted how so called 'important' i am to some people who are immensely important to me. It seems as though some of my truely treasured friends forgot. Seems. May not be true. Just seems. I guess, I compared them to my other friends whom I never expected to remember, who messaged me just as the clock turned 12. Maybe i really expected too much. My sixteenth birthday is after all just another day to others isn't it? oh well.. that's the past. Kind of. Just needed to get some feelings off my chest. I'll soon be fine.. as always.. I just hope i actually mean something to some people, cause... they mean the world to me.
Cheerios*

OAC March Expedition 2006
05/06 Batch Instructors

Well... So much happened.. but realized that the juniors now know the link to our blogs.. so.. shall not say too much.. heh.. Whatever was said, us instructors, the seniors, and the teachers know, good enough. Hopefully we will keep those words of advice and experience to heart. We all love oac guys.. let's give it our best shot these few precious months left, and make the seniors proud. It amazes me that our seniors still have the ability to make us submit to authority and respect them, even after they pass out of oac. One day, i hope that we will all be able to return with sound experience and advice to pass on to the the younger batches of oac. I do admire and respect our seniors very much, everytime they return, we gain even more knowledge, and the best part is, they've gone through it before and know how we feel. I swear, oac is making me grow up and mature faster than i have to or want to, no choice.. heh.. good and bad you could say. my friends say that im missing out on childhood, but hey.. i love my life now the way it is, and i think i've had sufficient childhood experiences to provide me with enough lovely memories. Well.. we have to look ahead now, titans and june camp here we come!!! next obstacle... Mardi Gras auditions... and cheerleading.. my friends are asking me to join.. and with last yr's experience and fun.. i would really love to.. but.. oac comes first.. Hopefully we get champion again... heard that the dance is really nice this year.. Hm.. homework time... cya!

Life now's... still?
I don't know... how come OAC has lost the homely feeling? its weird and I hope the march expe will heal all cracks.. we need to remember we are ultimately still a team guys! I actually hope that we will scream and shout at each other.. as long as the cracks are healed.. Well... My birthday gathering yesterday was rather fun for me.. glad that most of the oacians could make it.. tomorrow's my Birthday! Time passes so fast.. it's freaky.. hope we cherish these few months left together.. i cannot bear to think about what the situation will be once handover.. the tap will definately be on.. sigh.. Well.. last night, was practising Rhumba Flamenca for Mardi Gras.. It's tough alright.. but its so lovely as well! Especially with the manton (shawl). What can I say.. the juniors.. haha... my seniors by right.. i wonder whether our direct seniors felt the same way about us last year. Well.. life's like that, so many things to do, so little time.. was late for the first time today... haish.. was rather worried.. then kheam called me lame when i wanted to wear home clothes to school.. lol.. heh.. im sorry =P darn. oh well.. turn out... that idea is quite lame.. oops.. going to see kimbo later... hope she recovers asap... must buy expe food today too...
hm.. i always wondered.. my mum 'allows' me to date by 16, which is tmr officially.. but... its no use if there's no one either.. haha.. still waiting for someone to melt my heart.. wondering whether its someone i already know, or someone still unknown to me... oh well... we'll see in time.. hahahaha.. that's all for now! byebyebye...

p.s. sorry, this entry a little disconnected.. heh... random thoughts.. now u know how many thoughts actually run through my head. =P cheerios!

xin nian dao le.. i was just glancing through my photos.. and I came upon the picture of my late grandfather and I, merely weeks before he departed this world. it's been a year.. but the wounds are just as fresh as they ever were. I will be visiting him tomorrow, and it always brings back painful memories of his funeral. I miss him, his warmth and love towards me. He was always so proud of me, and I was his only grandchild. The last thing he said to me was.. "guai" This will be ther first new year we celebrate without him.. And it feels so weird... why did he have to go.. Ah.. fragmented thoughts strung together doesn't exactly make up the best entry, but.. oh well.. not going to bother sounding coherent right now.. so I shall just ramble on. So much has changed since last year.. looking through photos brings back fond memories, yet, creates an air of melancholy.. Grr.. so much things to do.. so little time.. let's just say.. I'm glad I still have who i have right now.. and am making an effort to cherish them before its too late.. It's a lesson ought to be learnt.. Seriously..
tht's all for today..

It's a new year...

Heys all.. sorry for not updating.. didn't like the skin I had.. and couldn't find another.. I searched so long on blogskins.. and those skins doesn't suit me at all.. it's either so angsty or lovey-dovy.. haha.. well.. at least i found one i like now.. feel free to drop comments on my tagboard about the new skin ^^ Well.. I kinda feel free now.. I don't know.. I just do. Free to feel and care for whoever I want to, no strings attached. I'm finally going to turn 16.. But even though my mum allows me to date from now.. I'm still waiting for the right person to turn up and sweep me off my feet. Life in OAC is still the best.. I feel so blessed to have my teammates with me.. I'd better cherish them while I can, before they leave next year =( one of us has left the team.. what can I say? I was hurt.. by his words. how could he say those things to us? but life goes on, we forgive and forget.. One of the things I learnt last year.. don't make situations which aren't complicated, complicated. Life's too short, enjoy it, embrace it, live it. Cheerios for now! ^^